Unsaid Things: a not sent letter to you

I’m confused.
I dont know what I’m feeling but it’s taking all of me. Like drowning, but inside-out. Like an ocean that I can’t let it out. 
I dont think that anything that I say or do could ease this… this sensation of going deeper and deeper in despair. 
I’m not who I used to be anymore… But if I’m no longer myself, so who am I? Why I am feeling like this?

I feel lost. Lost in the dream of being more, feel more.
Lost in who I am and who I wanna be.
That can’t be described in simple words. It’s much more. It’s so big as my silence in the darkest night; terrifying, eating me alive.

As a sparkle, there you are.
Shining in the dark, warm, beautiful. Bringing me close without any efforts, just with your eyes, your scent, your skin, your ******ile.

I’m lost again.
Completely lost in you, trapped in your spell.
I can see the red light, telling me to stop, telling me to think before act, telling me not to let this fire inside take over me, but you’re the light.
And then, as silly as I am, I’m walking towards you in the dark — like a fly going to the light — unaware and careless about the danger.
The ocean of confusion now is a flame caused by your touch.

I wanna burn, babe.
Until the very end, until there’s nothing more. I wanna get lost in your soft and warm skin, delight myself in your lips, take all your breathe away.

But then, I find myself drowning again, lost again in the ocean of my insecurities and flaws. Absorbed by the darkness of my own fears. Waiting for the next time I can see your light again.

“Don’t shut me out. I wanna be with you. Let’s burn together” , I hear your whisper in the dark.

I don’t know if my mind is tricking me or if you’re really there, taking your risks, overcoming your fears and insecurities to find me.

How can you be so brave?
How can you swim through and keep coming down to find me at the bottom?
You shouldn’t come, firefly. Oceans can be hard to navigate, even with your powerful flame. It’s confused, stormy and all these drowning feelings. I wish I could meet you in the middle.

No.
Honestly, you don’t deserve to enter in these waters at all.
You should live a happy and bright life, enjoying the warm sun and soft breeze. You must.
You’re made to be sunkissed, loved, adored, from sunset to sunrise and all in between.
You don’t deserve me and all this blue complications. I don’t deserve you. Not even a bit of your light.

But if I don’t deserve you, if I can’t love you, why am I always being pushed to you?
It seems like you have a magnet that keeps making me crawl and run back to you. I keep missing your scent, your eyes, your skin next to mine. I keep wanting to hear your voice, your breathe next to my ear, I keep wanting you.
My brain knows we don’t belong together, but why does my heart and body don’t understand it? I keep trying to forget you, but that reminds me if you even more. Keeps my memories alive, makes me miss you even more, love you even more.

I know we’re forbidden.
For many reasons beyond our reach. Reasons we didn’t choose, but we follow just to fit and don’t be massacred by the world around us. Reasons that keep our bodies far from each other, but why they don’t separate our hearts and minds too?

If I close my eyes, here at the bottom of this confused ocean, I can ******ell your shampoo. I can hear your laugh and your voice mocking me. I can see your sad expression every time I had to leave and your side ******ile when you’re flirting with me. With my eyes closed, I can still hear your frustrated sighs while studying and your voice asking me to stay.

I wish I could stay.
Wish we could be together, at the beach, running and laughing our lungs out. Laying down on the sand, watching the sunset and kissing while the sun hides in the sea. I wish I could take you home. We would take a long relaxing shower and tangle ourselves in the bed, praying that everyday could be like this. 

But I can’t. We can’t. 
You’re the light, I’m the deep dark sea.
You’re bravery, I’m fear.
You’re red, I’m blue.

So I’ll keep drowning and drowning in my ocean, wanting to spend every sunset with you. 
Instead, trying to ease my pain, I told sunset about you.